I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
