honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
