how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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