There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
