I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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