Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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