It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
