Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
