im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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