well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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