I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
