i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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