it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
