guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
