If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
