A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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