If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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