Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
