I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My liver is preforming stress tests.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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