His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You made out with two different species that night
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
PANTIES FOUND
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
