Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
