I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize