happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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