i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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