I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
