I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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