Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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