it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
