I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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