the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it glows. i had to have it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize