I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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