dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
