I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
