I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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