Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My vagina just recognized that song.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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