your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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