my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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