I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
