brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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