please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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