Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
