I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
