just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
