I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
