i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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