My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
