i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
