hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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