I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
