If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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