If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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