my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize