Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
