I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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