Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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