im about as happy as oj after his trial
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
