Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
