Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
