Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
