I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
