I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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