I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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