I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
