Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
