Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
