the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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