I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
