it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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