does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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