"it" just moved
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
