I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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